Feeling Not OK

It’s a difficult thing to define, feeling not OK. In this case it’s feeling tired and warn down and like I’ve had a very, very long day even though I didn’t get up until 12 and haven’t left the house.

It may or may not have something to do with my realisation that even though I definitely have friends here, people that I genuinely care about and of course my lovely best friend, I don’t really feel, well, OK telling them I’m not alright. I have spent the last half hour debating whether or not I should message said best friend and tell her I’m not OK. One part of me knows she’ll help, she won’t get mad, she won’t get pissy, she won’t tell me I’ve ruined her night and ask me to come talk to her in the morning instead. Because she cares. The rest of me is telling me that she’s a) definitely hanging out with her flatmates (they’re having a movie night) and b) possibly hanging out with her maybe something, (who happens to be a fab guy who will also not get pissy), and thus the notion of sending her something totally out of the blue asking for her support makes me feel guilty. which is really not helping matters, just for the record.

And so, here we are, instead of messaging her, I’m going to write this, and I might even post it.

I’m not OK. I’m not OK because today I had a several hour conversation first over DM and later on the phone with one of my friends from home. Don’t get me wrong I love her, I really do. She’s had a shitty last couple of months and, as much as I feel like sometimes we’re very uneven in the way responsibility and support falls in our relationship, I do genuinely enjoy hearing from her. During the course of this conversation we arranged times she would come up and visit and times I would go home and see her, we figured out, kinda, where the others life is at, I told her I was going to seek some mental health support (which I will as soon as I successfully book an appointment), oh, and another one of my friends (not friend, we are not friends) started weird one sided drama.

The drama got to me. Bad. Some days are better than others and today was a bad day. I honest to God just couldn’t cope. I was sat on the floor of my bedroom verging on a panic attack and trying to keep myself calm enough to remember that she is much, much too far away from me to do anything. It didn’t really help. Then I fought the urge to reach out to my best friend on the basis that she was out watching her flatmate play football and I would feel really terribly, awfully, guilty if I dragged her away. At the same time I really needed her, but I didn’t want to do that, and a tiny terrible self-deprecating part of me honestly believed that even if I messaged her she wouldn’t come, she wouldn’t leave for me. I’m not worth it. And then I felt bad for thinking that of her. Of course she would.

It hasn’t really stopped since then. I feel bad, I feel guilty, I feel like I might cry, or I might shut down at any moment. It probably doesn’t help that I just finished and submitted the first ever film studies essay I have ever done, ever, and It’s at degree level. It probably doesn’t help that today I woke up to a bad day for my mental health and one of my flatmate’s parents in the kitchen. It probably doesn’t help that I spent my first three hours awake today shut up in my room, that I feel like I haven’t seen anyone today and that I’m now (by virtue of that) some kind of social pariah, even though I know full well that no one in my flat has really seen anyone today. It probably doesn’t help that I have a bunch of stuff I was supposed to get done and that I just haven’t done. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve had a headache for the last hour and a half at least. And it definitely doesn’t help that if my best friend is hanging out with her maybe something and her flat at hers tonight that I won’t see her until tomorrow, and I won’t see her maybe something (my flatmate) until tomorrow when he brings two of his mates round, which is a shame, because he is one of the easiest people to be around ever, and right now I feel like even sitting here in the kitchen with one of my other flatmates, my typing the only sound in the room other than the constant hum of the heaters, is taking more effort than it should, and maybe he would alleviate that.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m not OK, and the thought of reaching out to the only person in the world I want to talk to right now is really, really scary. I don’t want to push her away, and I don’t want to feel like I’m relying too heavily on her, but at the same time, I really need her.

But I’m a coward at heart. And so instead I’m going to post this under oversharing, I’m gonna make some dinner that I don’t really want on the basis that I should eat, and I’m going to try and do the required reading for tomorrow before my head explodes.


TheSarcastic Blogger



Kinda Rapey Roommates and Being So Poor You Don’t Even Worry About Money Anymore

So I can now say I have officially been at university for a month, and in that time I have made new friends, gotten impossibly closer to old ones, and somehow lost almost £100 worth of rings. It’s been eventful.

University is one of those weird places where you have to act like you’re at home from day one to really get anywhere. You have to be already friends with your flatmates, which is pretty hard when you haven’t met or spoken to any of them and two of them move in the day after you anyways, you have to be ahead on reading you haven’t been given yet, and kind of aware of how to get home from a club you haven’t visited. But I think I managed, mostly. That is, I definitely managed to make friends (and the other day one of them called me “Queen of the Flat”, so I guess I’m going up in the world), the reading isn’t going great but its been mostly done, and as of yet I haven’t lost a single flatmate on the way home from the club (well, not accidentally at least.)

I have to say the weirdest part of my university experience so far was moving in with three guys and two girls I’d never met before. Now as someone with two sisters moving in with two girls (randoms or not) didn’t worry me at all, I knew I could cope. The issue was the three geezers, but two out the three are totally sound and having lived with both of them for a month its strange to imagine not living with them really. Coming in to see one or both of them in the kitchen looking entirely too tired to be awake is a key part of my day, and I look forward to talking to both of them, the third is a bit hit and miss. Hence the title. Now I should stress that I do not take that term lightly, and I do not for a minute think he is genuinely capable of anything truly violent or even mildly aggressive, BUT… I’ve tried other adjectives and that’s the only one that really fits. He’s a bit rapey, bit creepy, bit… weird.

I’m not the only one that’s struggled with rapey flatmates, I was lucky enough to move to uni with my best mate, and having her with me every step of this month was god’s gift. I’ve become impossibly closer to her and cannot imagine not hearing from her everyday, it’s incredible how relationships grow when you’re both under pressure, and I can’t imagine loving this girl more. Now, rather unfortunately for her she is also stuck with a rapey roomie, this bloke is big enough and oblivious enough to be just a little worrying. He also has a nasty habit of black marking nights out if he can’t find any single girls to creep on. But her flat’s keeping an eye, an ear and a restraining hand on him, so I’m not worried.

In fact the only thing I’m even a bit worried about is the fact I am so entirely skint I can’t even afford to think about it. And I managed to lose almost £100 worth of rings fuck knows where?????!!!!!!!!! And fuck knows how. But hey ho. Freshers is supposed to be a shit show right? (The worst part was I lost the rings totally sober, and I spent the money on more boring things than VKs, like books.)

If you’re ever in the position, or inclination, to go to University you absolutely should,


TheSarcastic Blogger