You know when nothing has happened and yet a lot has happened? Yeah.
I suppose I should start by saying it’s February and I’ve yet to fail anything or drop out, so life is good. That being said, the best friend I had so come to rely on has all but faded from my life completely, leaving me for a time entirely distraught. She has taken with her her now definitely someone, my flatmate, my friend, and so I am again left with this feeling of abandonment. It’s been hard.
In her wake I have grown ever closer to the people I live with, I have opened my social circle a little wider, and I better appreciate the other people I have around me. My problem wasn’t that I needed her, or indeed that I was so wrapped up in our friendship that her loss was like a killing blow, my issue is this: she imposed herself on me in those few initial weeks, she was a daily occurrence, a routine and a habit and I loved- love- her dearly, and so when she vanished so quickly it felt like I had done something wrong, it felt like I was rebuffed having not even known I had ventured something rebuffable. It sucked. But I’ve come to realise that I haven’t been rejected, rather she is so caught up and entirely in love with her definitely someone that she did not even consider how her sudden departure from the lives of her friends would feel. And so I forgive her for making me feel alone, and I recognise that if, and when, she wants to be my friend the ball is very much in her court.
The expansion of my circle of friends was interesting, it’s rare that I find myself feeling popular, and yet I am left in the peculiar situation of nearly always knowing someone in the room, nearly always being approached with a smile and a wave, as though I was someone worth knowing. It’s a very nice feeling, very affirming, and I could get used to it. It started when I ran into someone I had met weeks ago, we were friends in the sense that we spent hours together, laughing, drinking, knowing each other. We were friends in the sense that as soon as I met him, as soon as we spoke, I felt like I knew him, we were kindred spirits, kindred cynics. We were not friends in the sense that that night was the first and last time we had spoken before two weeks ago. Now we are friends in the sense that I sit next to him in seminars, and hopefully that means we are friends, truly. He is joined in this new expansion by a man with a German name and an American accent, and a very sweet- if slightly angry- vegan who owes me a bottle of wine. Life’s definitely getting interesting.
It’s honestly been an experience this past few weeks, losing people and then gaining new ones. Hopefully from here on out it’s plain sailing.
I hope you guys have had a good January, lord knows it lasted long enough.
Ps. I got a first in something, go me!